A Mothers Love....The Good..... The Bad..... The Ugly………

I used to think the reason my mom was so angry all the time was because she was doing the parenting thing all alone. I mean lets face it being a single parent is no easy task. There is no one to defer to when you can’t take it anymore… no one to pick up the slack when you aren’t feeling well…..no one to give you some much needed adult time…..and no one else to contribute to the household income. All or just one of these issues can cause an enormous about of stress.

I just spent 10 days doing the single parent thing while Dan was on a business trip.. At no point in time did I consider to act in such a way that my kids would be afraid or upset with me. Were there days or moments I was frustrated …sure I would be lying if I said no but you know what its part of the territory…its called being a parent.

So for years I just assumed my moms anger was really frustration from raising a child alone. I think for years I knew that wasn’t really the case but I kept hoping that was the case….wishing that was the reason because otherwise in my mind it was me. When I say me, I mean that she had such distain… such hate…. for me personally and not just the concept and reality of parenting. It’s a scary feeling as a child to not understand where someone ones anger comes from, it also causes the person on the receiving end to change their ways and that can be damaging as well. It took me years to figure out, while yes my mom was overwhelmed with the task of single parenting it was not the complete reason for my moms anger.

As I have shared my mom had a number of outbursts which resulted in the removal and most time destruction of something I loved. As child there is not much you can do and you are not equipped to understand why. All you know is you caused your mom to be angry and she was so angry she took something you loved and not only took it way but destroyed it in front of you.

As I got older there were less possessions to destroy and instead it was the my mind and self esteem that were attacked. There were still some things which were destroyed, like the time that my mom made dinner had it all set on the table and I said something smart like “what is that?” referring to the food on the table and my mom lost it. She took each plate one by one and while yelling obscenities threw each plate on the floor. From there she went to the stove and threw each pot on the floor. All the while yelling at me. I stood crying and trying to stay out of the way of flying plates and food. When all was finally said and done my mom told me to clean up the mess and she better not see a drop of food anywhere in the kitchen. When I tell you food and glass was everywhere that doesn’t do it justice. I spent nearly 3 hours cleaning the kitchen all the while my mom standing or sitting near me in my ear about how all of it was my fault and if I learned to be more respectful none of this would have happened.

As I grew older and was able to drive, I was able to get out of the house which I did a lot. Being out of the house and with others gave me a sense of being normal, it was an escape. The problem was my mom was very controlling of my whereabouts. She knew when I had to be at school, when school let out, when my sports practices started and ended, there was very little free time on my hands unless I made time myself. Be it skipping a class, lying about a practice, going to the library or hanging out with a friend. It was the only independence I was able to get. I never did anything wrong with this time it was simply my way to hang with friends or alone and try to escape and feel normal.

I remember one time I said I was going to the library to study, I did go to the library to study but I knew I was not going to be there 2 ½ hours as I had said. So once I was done at the library I went to my boyfriends house to hang out for a bit. All I was doing was watching TV with my boyfriend and his family. I left to go out to my car and found a note on my car. It was from my mom and it said You liar, you are a s*ut! Written in lipstick, I shook the whole way to my house. Once I hit the door the I was called every name you can imagine and then some. Words like whore, slut, were thrown at me freely, not to mention all the MF and F bombs you can imagine. This was not unusual, as a matter of fact this went on well into my 20’s. If my mom was not able to reach me she immediately went to the assumption I was up to no good and did all she could to not only make me believe such accusations, but also admit to them.

By now you are asking did you fight back? Why didn’t you just leave? Well yes I did fight back, I defended myself, I even cursed back at her hoping to prove my point to no avail. I was always wrong and she always won out because she had the sharpest tongue. Add to that she had convinced me I would be no better than dirt because of my shenanigans (which she had decided I was up to) I was to beaten down to believe otherwise.

When someone in your life is angry the usual response for most is to figure out why and help them through it, if you are the source of their anger you do what you can to ease that anger, and in the future you do what you can to mitigate it. Over many years this translates into becoming a pleaser and in some cases (mine) a doormat for someone‘s anger and emotion. I became, and in some respects still am the ultimate pleaser and doormat. There was a point in my life I was consumed with doing things bigger and better all in the hopes of pleasing those around me, to me pleasing someone was a way to keep people happy no matter what the cost was to me. Don’t get me wrong the accolades which come with pleasing people became a sort of a high because I never received that praise from my mom. The benefit of being a pleaser also was that I was driven to do more and go farther then I would have had I not been. So while there was good there associated with being a pleaser there was also bad, I never learned how to slow down because slowing down meant not going to the next level, I never learned to say no and be ok with my choice. It always came with a pang of guilt that I was letting someone down. As for the doormat part of the equation I was that for my mom I took all she dished out and it wasn’t until I was older that I started to push back, but the fact is I was her doormat for 38 years. While I have been pretty good in my life not to be that for other people there are times when I have and it can rattle me to my core because I know I am not that person and I have gone to great lengths and at times lost relationships because I refuse to take crap off people, such is the cross I bare.

All in all while my mom was not perfect by any means and there a many many parts of my childhood and adult relationship with her I wish I did not have to endure it has made me who I am and I have been lucky to surround myself with people in my life who understand and have encouraged me to utilize the positive and let the negative go.