The Daily Grind

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Who said hard work doesn't pay off!!!!


I feel the need to write a blog post to memorialize the hard work my oldest daughter Lauren is putting forward in her in here quest to get straight A's in  middle school.


See Lauren has not had an easy road. She was diagnosed with at learning disability when she was in 2nd grade though nothing specifically, it was just painfully obvious she was falling behind her peers in reading and it was clear this would become a major problem as she moved forward in her academic career. Her dad and me did everything we couple to provide her the tools we thought she needed to help her get over the hump so to speak. Tutoring, extra reading time with us, easier books to gain confidence and finally petitioning the school for their assistance. We were very frustrated but I know Lauren was more frustrated than all of us.

I know this because Lauren and I share the same learning issues. I recall not being in the fast reading group and getting horrible marks on my spelling tests. Having my written answers marked wrong because they didn't make sense. I struggled and never really got a resolution. I just learned how to compensate. I wanted more for her I wanted her to excel, I wanted her to not struggle. She worked, we worked and still we all worried we weren't getting to where we needed to be. 

We were all so very impressed with Lauren being selected at her 6th grade graduation for the presidential educational  excellence award. Truthfully I wasn't paying much attention to that part of the ceremony because I presumed she would not qualify for such an award. Boy was I shocked when her name was called. I should have known then we were on to something,, 

Middle school came and I'd be lying if I said I was scared out of my mind that this was going to be a devastating blow to her academically. You know what!?!!?! She has proved us all wrong....she went into the school year positive and full of confidence. She is mainstreamed in all of her subjects except English. She takes a full course load which consists of History, Drama, Environmental Science, Advanced Chorus, Math, English and PE. 

Well a week ago she came home with her grades for all subjects. this child was making all A's and B's. 

This child has blossomed before my eyes and I am filled with such pride of the young lady and student she has become. I must also give credit to a fabulous administrative staff and teachers along the way who have never given up on Lauren and have helped her to get where she is today. 

We are so very proud of you LouLou!! 

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

City trader

I've lived in the DC area all my life..... DC is great, it holds our country's history and there is so much to do, be it visiting the government houses of one of the worlds super powers, or going to a sold out sports stadium, or the fabulous museums we have.


However, DC proper, the city, is not one that lends itself to tradition, friendliness or calm. DC the city is a very transient one as are the suburbs that surround the city. I often get looks of disbelief when I say I am a native.

The last 3 days I have spent in Boston, enjoying the people, places, sounds and smells, and yes some of the traffic.

I spent several hours in Boston Common walking and sitting, thinking,  taking it all in enjoying the clam of others and the reduction of the constant hustle bustle of city folks. I can't tell you the last time I sat in a park and did just that....sit! Its a sure bet if I am at a park I am either there for an event be it a race, a kids sporting event or some festival. I don't have the time to just go to go. But I also realize I don't want to when I am in DC.




I found myself walking to restaurants, to the Common, to Starbucks  and to shopping. I wasn't scared or afraid I was simply blissful as though I had just been wrapped in a giant comfy blanket.

DC will always be home.... but if given a choice to have a new home city .. I would go with Boston hands down!

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Parenting is not for the weak....

I've been blessed to be a mom for nearly 13 years. In that time I have known incredible love like no other and been scared out of my mind at times as well. Parenting is no easy task, there is no step by step manual and each child and circumstance is different.

I was not very sure of myself when I became a mom. I was terrified I would screw things up. I knew I didn't want to be the mom my mom was, but I didn't know how I was going to achieve not being her. I had an ideal vision of the mom I wanted to be.... Think Leave it to Beaver or Mrs Brady, I wanted to be the cool, clam, level headed parent whose kids adored her.

I soon realized those visions are not always reality, and that some of the arguments and fights with my mom were not because she was mean or unstable but yet trying to be a parent. Being a parent isn't always sunshine and roses, kids will disobey you, they will disappoint you and at times you will become physically and emotional exhausted parenting them.

I've learned that if those feelings are there it's a pretty good bet that you are doing a good job as a parent. I'm not my kids best friend (yet) and I make them do things they don't like, but I am hopefully preparing them for the world with the best tools I have to offer. My love, my compassion, my discipline and my wisdom. There will come a time where I hope to be their best friend. However for now I am happy being mom and hopefully in the end giving the world 3 bright, loving, compassionate, thoughtful human beings.

To my 3 loves Lauren, Jackson and Isabelle, know I love you with all my heart and everything I do is for you. You all bring me such joy and happiness, and my heart is overflowing with love from you all!

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

The Journey Continues......


I’ve often said that life is a journey….. I have felt that more and more over the last few years as I come to terms with my thoughts, my fears and my history. I’ve spent countless hours in therapy and within my own head trying to reconcile events and feelings.

This weekend was another of those reconciling events. I went to Boston on business and pleasure to reconnect and understand some of my past as well as have a little fun.

When I was 7 I went to live with a family outside Boston for 6 months. The reasons behind my visit to Concord were never very clear. I was told my mom was having divorce issues….that was the explanation. Even years later when I was old enough to ask my mom why that was the story that was maintained.

Those 6 months played such profound role in my life and my ultimate desires for marriage, family and childrearing. I lived with a woman who was the sister of my then elementary school principal. Helen was a single mom who had been widowed for many years. Her son John was the apple of her eye and they had an extended family of many brothers and sisters and proud parents/grandparents. It was story book to me.

I was welcomed into Helen’s home with open arms; she cared for me as though I was her own. Her son John treated me as though I was his little sister and did so with love and your typical sibling strife too.

For the first time I was living in a house, I was going down the street to play with friends, I was playing in a backyard and I was feeling safe and surrounded by love.

I eventually went back to VA to live with my mom, but I kept in touch with Helen and her family. I visited a couple of summers and I asked Helen to be my confirmation sponsor. Sadly, she was not able to attend because she had fallen ill. Instead John (Jakie to those of us close to him) came in her place. By that time he was 19 and a sophomore at Harvard.

I still have the picture of John and I from that day and I can still feel his hand on my shoulder as I was confirmed. What I didn’t know if that would be the last time I would see Jakie, sadly he died in a motorcycle accident a few short months later.
 I still kept in touch with the family but not nearly as often as I had before. Partly because I was growing up and busy with life in high school and sports and partly because it was hard knowing John was not there.


Fast-forward to my mom’s passing. It has conjured up many questions and I felt maybe some of the answers might be with Helen and her family. For many reason not just Helen and her family, I decided a trip to Boston was in order.

That trip was this past weekend and it more of an emotional ride than I could have ever imagined. I met Helen and her sister Maureen (the elementary school Principal) at the old house I lived in, the one that provide me with such fond memories. Walking in to the house was a wave of emotion I was not prepared for, nor was I prepared for the incredibly emotional reaction from Helen to seeing me for the first time in nearly 30 years.

We all sat and talked and l shared with them my life and family now and how they were directly responsible for some of it. I then asked the hard question: “can you tell me why I was sent here?” They were surprised to know I didn’t know.

The answer “ because there was abuse” I was abused both physically and emotionally by my mom. Which as I have aged is no big secret to me now, whereas when I was growing up I knew no different and never had any reason to believe that my life wasn’t normal?

Maureen saw the abuse and reached out to my mom to give her help part of that help was to get me into a loving and safe enjoinment but to also allow my mom time to figure out how to make things right or at least better. I don’t have all the details around this and in the coming months I hope to have these conversations to better understand. Bottom line I was abused, someone saw it, and wanted to help.

Talk about emotion right?? I was floored…. It made sense …..But still shocking. But even more shocking to me is the unselfish act of a woman who at the request of her sister took me in and cared for me knowing nothing about me.

I left Helens house this weekend with more love in my heart than I can explain. I also left feeling enlighten, validated and praised. Helen and her family told me how proud they are of me and what a wonderful family I have built and they told me they loved me. All these years later Helen kissed me, wrapped me in her arms and gave me the best hug, and said I love you.

It doesn’t get much better than that! More to come on this visit and the talks to be had in the future but for now I just feel Loved and Validated!

Monday, September 1, 2014

New School Year Wishes


The clothes have been bought, the school supplies have been sorted, the backpacks packed and the lunches made and the clothes laid out. Tomorrow my 3 kids will ALL be in school!!  2 with new beginnings and new schools and one anxious to go back to his familiar surroundings.

I worked all day to get things just right. I have a process and it serves me well. I will take my "usual"  (insert kid eye roll here) first day picture and I will send them off nervous for all of them but anxious to hear all about their day. This year I wrote them all a letter which we read after dinner tonight and it is my new school year wishes for them.

 Lauren, Jackson and Isabelle,

You 3 are going to start school tomorrow, and you will find your own way and become more independent beings. As you begin 7th grade, 5th grade and Kindergarten,  these are the things I wish for you:

New school year wishes:

•That you enter the classroom with the same amount of fresh, creative ideas, confidence and beauty as you have when you come out of your bedrooms to greet me each summer morning

•That on that first morning you reconnect with old friends on the playground and find courage to make new ones

•That you greet your teacher with a big smile and say hello; show her you are excited and ready for the year

•That the textbooks you see on your desks for this year fill you with wonder and not with fear

•That you mind your manners, say please and thank you

•That you see the kids who might be having a hard time at school and reach out to be their friend

•That you pay attention and remember when it’s time for fun and when it’s time to learn

•That if another cuts in line or takes an extra turn, you do not get angry and realize that these are not important things

•That you take a moment to eat your lunch before running on the playground, so you can stay active in mind and in body

•That you learn the importance of managing your things; keep your desk, cubby, locker and backpack organized

•That you recognize the difference between kids who make good decisions and those who make bad. Choose wisely whom to admire

•That the hug that I give you tomorrow morning is tight enough and long enough to give you comfort if someone is unkind

•That you slowly realize that with each passing year you may move further away from my care, but never my love

Hugs and Kisses to you all and may this be the best year ever!!!






Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Words.......

Accountability
Stay
I take my chances
Lost
Just give me a reason
Signs
Bruises we all have them
Sometimes I think its better to never ask Why
We had it all
BFF
I can't be without
Betrayal
I'm only human
Say Something
These are the days  

Blame
Happiness
Find out who I am
Everything has changed
Timing
I need some understanding
Lucky
I run to you
Devastated
Humor and belly laughs


Never dreamed this could happen
I don't wanna fight anymore 
Anger
Resentment
Love
Embarrassment
Heartache
Forever intertwined
Fear of forever loss





Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Depression and it's not so pretty side ......

The topic of depression has been in the news for the last week and a half due to the death of Robin Williams. I sadly suffer from depression .... But it does not define me ......however that is not to say that it doesn't affect me.

I was diagnosed over 8 years ago.... It is a tough disease. It takes a hold of your life and there are good days and bad days and sometimes horrible days. 

Depression is real people.....just because someone appears to be fine on the outside that doesn't mean that everything is good on the inside. We suffer, sometimes openly and often times silently. Coping and concealing pain is a huge part of this illness. 

I have been lucky enough to have been given some tools to allow me to, for the most part, function with minimal depilation.  These tools include daily medication and meditation along with weekly therapy visits. In addition to acknowledging when I am feeling low and out of sorts. However, I have not done well in the communication department. Communicating to those you love that you  feel scared or are vulnerable is important and needed. However, for me it is a huge sign of weakness and weakness is NEVER what I want to portray .... Why you ask?? Because in my head and my past weakness gets you walked on and taking advantage of.... Sharing my thoughts and feelings has never resulted in positive outcome.

I had a particularly rough personal weekend before Robin Williams death and that Monday on my way home I remember thinking "what if I wasn't here anymore?" "what if I ran my car into the 18 wheeler next to me?" "Would anyone miss me?" I knew as I got closer to home that I needed to snap put of my funk but I wasn't sure what to do to achieve that..... My problems were starting to suffocate me. Within 30 min of being home the iPhone alert came across my phone about Robin. 

My heart sank..... That could have been me if I had let the feelings of just about an hour ago take  me over.... And my heart ached I knew in some small way the feelings that took over and brought Robin to the point of hopelessness.

This is a real disease people .... Don't assume that because people appear to be fine that they are!!!! I struggle more than I like because of the stress I bring to my life. While I have tried to de-stress and remove the stressors from my life I have not been able to and some of those stressors I just CANT live or do without... Trust me I have tried and I am better for it/them. What I need to do and am trying to achieve is balance. Balance is different for everyone... your balance may not be my balance and that is hard for those that love and care about me to understand.....

My point to this post is be aware and don't dismiss.... Be supportive and be understanding While it is ultimately up to the person who is suffering from this unfortunate illness they need help and can't always be the person you want them to be... 

Never stop trying to get through to those you love.... You might just save their life one day 

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Overdue Explosion......

You think it will never happen....


you think you can suppress your feelings......

you can be the picture of perfectness.....

be the understanding one....

be the forgiving one.....

till one day the emotions have no where else to go.....

the bottle they are kept in is being shaken out of control

You explode......... 
you let the hurt and pain of nearly 5 years flow freely from your fists and your mouth

While I regret the explosion.....I don't regret the message

Never play russian roulette with someones heart and trust

Doing so will most certainly end in disaster

and while most disasters can be cleaned up

Some can't....ever!

Only time will tell......


Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Female roto rooter.....

Several weeks ago I had a hysterectomy....while I am a bit on the young side it was something that was a long time coming and much needed. So in the hopes of helping others here is my story....

In my early 20's I had several female issues which caused me to have bad pap smears, which lead to cryo surgeries and cone biopsies. I was warned that should this continue it could pose a problem with me getting pregnant in the future or worse yet a fatal outcome if I ever chose to put my head in the sand and ignore it all together. Thankfully I was diligent and overtime the cryos worked and I went on to have 3 healthy pregnancies with sadly some miscarriages along the way.

Ever since I can remember I have had very heavy cycles. Early on I had several "accidents" and it set the stage for me to always be in constant fear during that time of the month. I spoke with each of my doctors over the years and they assured me that this was normal and that I was just one of the lucky ones who had heavy cycles. (I'm not sure lucky is how I would have described it!)

After my 3rd child I notice things started to take a different turn, sure I was still having heavy cycles but there was pain involved and clotting not to mention the lengthening of my cycle. I spoke candidly with my doctor about my issues and my concerns. Thankfully he was easy to talk to and was willing to work with my to try to find a solution based on the options out there.

First we tried several different types of birth control pills, none of them did much to help my heavy bleeding also my pain was continuing to get worse. Next we moved to an IUD, an IUD has been known to minimize cycles or have them stop all together. This would also be a longer term solution which would then be less expensive and more full proof. Unfortunately for me I was not a good candidate for the IUD as it did nothing to ease my issues if anything I felt as though it was making it worse.

In June of 2013 it was determined that I had an infection form the IUD and it needed to be removed. It was also when I found out I had many cysts on my ovaries which we ended up biopsying. Good thing because there were cancer cells present. In August that same year we removed them and proceeded with caution.

I continued to have my quarterly checkups all the while continuing to have increased pain and bleeding. The new wrinkle however was that I was now bleeding throughout the month with no defined cycle. It was unpredictable and painful and taking over my life.

In March of this year I had a medical episode in which I collapsed in my home. I hit my head and was taken to the hospital all tests run showed nothing wrong. The diagnosis was that I was stressed and exhausted. However one test showed puss in my urine. A second urinalysis a day later showed nothing.

At this point I was stumped and in my gut knew something was not right with my body. I took it upon myself to call my OBGYN and set up an appointment. Good thing I did we found a uterine infection (hence the puss in urine) a yeast infection and Bacteria Vaginosis.

We chatted at length about the issues I was continuing to have with my female plumbing. My doctor had talked about uterine ablassion where they burn the inner lining of the uterus in order to stop the heavy bleeding.

I was not looking forward to yet another procedure and was skeptical about its outcome giving the failures of my past options. It must have shown on my face because my Dr asked "Are you done having kids?" my response "yes, yes I am". It was then that he said maybe we should consider the hysterectomy route.

I was a prime candidate, based on all the issues above along with the fact my mother died of endometrial cancer and while that is not completely linked to heredity like breast cancer it did put me at a higher risk. Seemed to me the choice was obvious.

I am happy to say that I had the surgery and could not be happier. It brought to light that I had severe endometriosis along with adenomyosis and cancerous cells yet again on my cervix.

The recovery has been tough, I am a get up and go type person and this was major surgery. I still have days were I am exhausted but I have learned to scale back and listen to my body so that I may heal.


While going through this process it was made evident to me that we women suffer in silence a lot of times and don't communicate enough with each-other or our doctors. So ladies don't suffer talk to your girlfriends and your doctors because doing so just might save your life. 

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

To medium or not to medium............

Several weeks ago I did a Facebook post on mothers day. It was simple, it was a picture at my moms grave with a comment that said:

"My mom and I rarely saw eye to eye.....Mother's Day in my adult life with her was always a struggle never good enough for her..... However my mother is still my mother so today I went to pay respect to her..... "

What happened next was surprising and shocking to me all at the same time.

A friend of mine from High School reached out to me via a PM and in so many words shared with me that she is a medium. She is unaware of when and where such medium occurrences will happen, but that when she saw the headstone she " got a profound sense of regret and sadness" and that she felt strongly that if my mother could she would say "I'm Sorry" she went on to say :

"I'm actually feeling tears pricking at my eyes as I write this. I never knew your mother, I get the sense that she was a rigid woman. I also think that she kept a lot of her feelings for herself, and in many ways with like a man in how she expressed herself. I also think that that type of behavior can only come from having been through great pain. I do steal that you got the worst of it, whatever 'it' was. I think to having survived her, that has made you so successful today. Personally, I am so sorry for the pain that I'm feeling coming from  her in that post. But I can tell you that she loves you and is very very proud of you. I hope that comes as some consolation, and I hope you don't mind me sharing this with you. I know it's rather strange, but I felt something that you needed to hear"

I was reading this on my phone and literally dropped the phone when I read it. This person does not know my mother and has no idea of my childhood and what my relationship was with my mother. She went on to say some additional credible things about my mom and myself.

I will not get into all the details because some are VERY private and some are concerning. But I will say she hit the nail on the head and encouraged me to be open to receiving messages from my mom in whatever manner they should come.

Now before you click to get off this page let me be clear that this person is a well educated individual who holds a good job and was in no way shape or form trying to sell me something or have any other agenda. I believe her to be the real deal and legitimate in her reasons for reaching out to me.

It was not the right time for me to be open to such communication as I was days away from a Hysterectomy and I was truly trying to focus for once on me. Also it struck me that this was typical

of my mom to drop in at the 11th hour and "make nice" so to speak. I wasn't ready and I wasn't receptive.

That feeling was solidified for me the next morning when I was in my car with my ipod on shuffle and the Dixie chicks song "I'm not ready to make Nice" came on!!!

To those of you reading this it may all sound foolish to you but I believe that souls live on and I do believe we receive messages either via medium means or other from those who have passed on. While I have never sought to inquire with someone for this information, I do still find it incredibly interesting and wish a few folks in my life who have left me would reach out or send me a sign....Just so I know I am on the right path or have some sense of closure.

As for my mom, I think only time will heal open wounds and when I am ready to receive her I will. though knowing her it will be a "cold day in hell" (she used to say that all the time) before she reaches back out again. But when she does maybe then I will be ready.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Why Motherhood has made me loose my mind.....

As I looked at the calendar for the upcoming week  I said to myself could we have any more "stuff" to do??? Note to self don't ask that question because you will jinx yourself and more "Stuff" will be piled on. So the week looked like this:


Monday - The Usual School and Work-- followed by baseball practice.... Play practice.... and Dive practice....

Tuesday-  School and Work-- followed by baseball practice.... Play practice ......and Dive practice

Wednesday- School and Work-- followed by swim practice.... Play practice ......and Dive practice

Thursday- School and Work-- followed by swim practice.... Play practice ......and Dive practice

Friday- School and Work-- followed by Swim practice.... Dive practice..... first showing of the Play @7pm!!!

Saturday- Swim time trials @ 7:30am ..... Play matinee drop off @10:30am ....Play @ 1pm.....Baseball Playoffs @ 3pm.......Final showing of the play @ 7pm..

Sunday- Fathers Day!! and I collapse

Did I happen to mention that my husband is out of town at his annual PhD retreat/class this week? So all of this is on my own solo. Hectic doesn't even come close to describing what this week is going to look like......

See you on the other side ............Hopefully!!!!!!

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Animals.....

I am a lover of all things animal.....except when it comes to lizards, snakes and any sort of creepy bug.

I have heard several stories and seen many pictures on Facebook over the last few weeks about black snakes.

As a matter of fact just last night my husband and I had a conversation about them while sitting on our newly rearranged back deck.

So imagine my surprise when I walked out the door this morning to get the dogs to come back in the house and I see this ........ several feet away from me.






Of course my youngest who happened to be here with me was all about wanting  to touch it and talked to it like it was a furry little puppy which made me want to gag even more.

I am happy to say Mr snake took off for the woods behind my house and while I know they are great for rodents I will take the mice over a snake ANY DAY!!

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Mothers Day 2014

Mothers day for the last 16 years has been filled with some sort of strife for me...
If it wasn't the colossal fight I had 16 years ago it was the fall out from it, or my own disappointment in my mothers day, or dealing with the grief of no longer having a mother.

I wrote a post 5 years ago called Why I hate Mothers Day Little did I know the following year would be my last mothers day with my mom. I don't regret the post it is how I felt and I don't believe anyone should regret or apologize for how they feel.

In the years since my mothers death I have learned to understand and in some respects forgive the relationship we had or didn't have.  I have taken the words of encouragement and sympathy for my struggle over the years to heart. I have started to believe I was the best daughter I could have been, I stood by my mom even when many didn't and wouldn't. I was loyal and while some of that loyalty came from fear it taught me that your family regardless is what is most important.

This Mothers Day the pain is a bit less and I have learned to embrace my Mothers Day and my kids as well as my feelings towards my mother. So Happy Mothers day to all you Mommy bloggers and to all my Mommy Friends!


Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Say things you mean to you say.......

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations
Say what you need to say…
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open…
John Mayer- Say 
True to life, these lyrics are the epitome of sage advice for anyone. You find it difficult to say what's on your mind and in your heart. At times, you hold onto everything until it crushes you. So say what you mean and mean what you say. But say what you mean with tact because words, once uttered, can't be undone. Words hang out in the air lingering forever. Words create confidence, trust, friendship, love, but they also create hate, distrust and venom. Speak to those you love as if it is your last conversation... in doing so you will ensure those you love are not destroyed by your words because if you knew it was your last conversation....... wouldn't you want it to be one of........... Love

Friday, May 2, 2014

Who do you write about???

I have a few friends who read my blog and often ask who I am writing about. The truth is there is not one

person I am writing about. My writing and my retelling of experiences and feelings is about many aspects of my life from my personal friendships, to my work, to my marriage, to my processing of my relationship with my mom and others. My writing doesn't always mean things are taking place in the present  but rather I am dealing with them in the present.

Writing provides one of many ways for me to release some of my inner feelings instead of keeping them bottled up. There is something about pounding out a story on the keyboard that is cathartic to me. Along the way I have "virtually" met some very cool people, who have not only helped me but I have been able to help them as well.

What is great about these friendships is they were built not because they know what I look like, or what I drive, or where I live,  or what my job is but rather they were built on common thoughts, problems and observations. All of which we have been able to share and work on together. 

So to those that worry, please don't, all is well ...... 

Sunday, April 27, 2014

All Things Cruise.....

I think we have started a tradition for our spring breaks.....

For the last 2 years we have taken a cruise and the kids absolutely love it and it is a relatively relaxing vacation for us. Here are some candid and not so candid pictures from our week of fun......

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Friday, April 25, 2014

Upside down and Sideways

What do you do when you world is shaken upside down and sideways like a snow globe?

How do you get back on track?

Most times we are able to shake it off

Dust ourselves off and move on

But what happens when you just cant shake the change?

When you try to forget

You try to move on

But it taunts you

it haunts you and

ultimately consumes you?

I don't have the answers but if you do please share.......



Monday, April 21, 2014

I have so many posts ready to go but I felt I had to write about Boston today.....


As a runner it is the Superbowl of running. I for one know I will never run in Boston, if I run a marathon at all. But there is something magical about the Boston Marathon and when that magic was shattered last year by 2 very radical and horrid people it struck a chord in runners and non runners alike.

My heart goes out to all those who were affected by the tragic events of last year, this event and its anniversary is not one I would wish on anyone. It is one of those events were I remember exactly where I was when I heard the news... (sitting in my office) then I remember trying to find out if those I knew running were safe. Then I like so many others were glued to the news reports and the subsequent death and capture of the perpetrators.

The intent of these men was to destroy the Boston Marathon, hurt as many people as possible and to break our American spirit. While they may have succeeded in the short term they have not prevailed in the long term. See they messed with the wrong group of people, runners are ridiculously mentally tough it is part of their DNA and the City of Boston, well it is tight knit and loyal to the core. Their actions while horrific only proved to us and the world that we are better together then we are apart and that together we can overcome anything that life’s throws our way.

 

 



Tuesday, April 15, 2014

I just wish I knew why

I wish I knew why things happen the way they do....
Or why people act and react the way they do....
If I did.....
it would help me reconcile the actions of so many people in my life
Why is it, it is so easy to praise one minute and belittle the next?

I don't want to fight.....
I don't want to sling mud......
I want to live happy..... free of anger and venom
Those traits get you nothing but pain and heartache.....
I just want to be happy
I want to be carefree
I want to laugh at the ridiculous things
Make fun of the silly and absurd things
Vent about the things that anger or sadden me.....
Without fear of it being regurgitated spitefully when life gets heated
Is that really too much to ask?

Sure we all get a upset..... We all get angry.... We all make mistakes
But it's how we deal with those issues and treat people during those times that
determines if we stay or flee to higher and safer ground....


I want peace.....

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Wake up calls.....

No I am not talking about the type of wake up call you get to start your day when you are traveling. this wake up call was one of self reflection.... and in my opinion probably way over due.

Hard charging..... a simple 2 word phrase which has been used to describe me.
another 2 word phrase to describe me....Hard headed..... both are correct

Over a month ago I was standing in my kitchen and I suddenly collapsed.... in front of my kids.....with no other adult home.....

To say I scared the crap out of them would be an understatement. I was lucky my kids knew just want to do and sprang into action calling my husband and getting 911 to the house to help.

I was taken by ambulance to a local hospital where I had no less than a bazillion tests run, needles stuck in me and x-rays taken and 20,000 questions asked.

The end result.... no reason for the collapse. My fluids were fine, my chest was fine, my blood work was ok... there was a sign of infection but not one of significance and no known cause.

Bottom line diagnosis...... exhaustion.....fatigue....stress..... and a possible unknown illness. Oh and lets not forget the goose egg to my head and massive concussion and crack from striking the granite counter top with great force of which I am still trying to recover from, apparently large trees such as myself fall hard!

I was told I would need to go through a battery of more tests to determine, if my heart was ok, if my sugars, were right,if I had had a seizure or  if there was a mass in my head... the list goes on and on....

I was told to take a week off, rest regroup... relax..

None of these things I do well and it is not until I am pushed to the brink that I finally take heed. Physically I push myself to the limit, mentally I push myself to the limit, and emotionally I push myself to the limit. The difference is I usually only focus on one of those limit pushing activities at a time. This time life was a perfect storm and my body said enough already!

I have some health issues I am addressing instead of burying my head in the sand  and being much more proactive in light of what has happened last month and in the last year. I've slowed down a bit and given myself a break, I won't say its easy and I won't tell you I am enjoying it. However, I don't ever want to see the fear that I saw in my older 2 kids eyes when they were wheeling me out of the house on a stretcher. Life's to short and I need to be there for all of them... my life revolves around them and their happiness and no job, or stress or emotional baggage, or physical achievement is worth risking being here for them.

So my wake call was heard and answered though I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to slam the phone down and get back to me.....