Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Posted by Mom at 11:08 AM
Monday, September 1, 2014
Lauren, Jackson and Isabelle,
Hugs and Kisses to you all and may this be the best year ever!!!
Posted by Mom at 6:47 PM
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
I take my chances
Just give me a reason
Bruises we all have them
Sometimes I think its better to never ask Why
We had it all
I can't be without
I'm only human
These are the days
Find out who I am
Everything has changed
I need some understanding
I run to you
Humor and belly laughs
Never dreamed this could happen
I don't wanna fight anymore
Fear of forever loss
Posted by Mom at 3:16 PM
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Posted by Mom at 10:49 PM
Thursday, August 14, 2014
You think it will never happen....
you think you can suppress your feelings......
you can be the picture of perfectness.....
be the understanding one....
be the forgiving one.....
till one day the emotions have no where else to go.....
the bottle they are kept in is being shaken out of control
you let the hurt and pain of nearly 5 years flow freely from your fists and your mouth
While I regret the explosion.....I don't regret the message
Never play russian roulette with someones heart and trust
Doing so will most certainly end in disaster
and while most disasters can be cleaned up
Only time will tell......
Posted by Mom at 4:29 PM
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Posted by Mom at 2:58 PM
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Several weeks ago I did a Facebook post on mothers day. It was simple, it was a picture at my moms grave with a comment that said:
"My mom and I rarely saw eye to eye.....Mother's Day in my adult life with her was always a struggle never good enough for her..... However my mother is still my mother so today I went to pay respect to her..... "
What happened next was surprising and shocking to me all at the same time.
A friend of mine from High School reached out to me via a PM and in so many words shared with me that she is a medium. She is unaware of when and where such medium occurrences will happen, but that when she saw the headstone she " got a profound sense of regret and sadness" and that she felt strongly that if my mother could she would say "I'm Sorry" she went on to say :
"I'm actually feeling tears pricking at my eyes as I write this. I never knew your mother, I get the sense that she was a rigid woman. I also think that she kept a lot of her feelings for herself, and in many ways with like a man in how she expressed herself. I also think that that type of behavior can only come from having been through great pain. I do steal that you got the worst of it, whatever 'it' was. I think to having survived her, that has made you so successful today. Personally, I am so sorry for the pain that I'm feeling coming from her in that post. But I can tell you that she loves you and is very very proud of you. I hope that comes as some consolation, and I hope you don't mind me sharing this with you. I know it's rather strange, but I felt something that you needed to hear"
I was reading this on my phone and literally dropped the phone when I read it. This person does not know my mother and has no idea of my childhood and what my relationship was with my mother. She went on to say some additional credible things about my mom and myself.
I will not get into all the details because some are VERY private and some are concerning. But I will say she hit the nail on the head and encouraged me to be open to receiving messages from my mom in whatever manner they should come.
Now before you click to get off this page let me be clear that this person is a well educated individual who holds a good job and was in no way shape or form trying to sell me something or have any other agenda. I believe her to be the real deal and legitimate in her reasons for reaching out to me.
It was not the right time for me to be open to such communication as I was days away from a Hysterectomy and I was truly trying to focus for once on me. Also it struck me that this was typical
of my mom to drop in at the 11th hour and "make nice" so to speak. I wasn't ready and I wasn't receptive.
That feeling was solidified for me the next morning when I was in my car with my ipod on shuffle and the Dixie chicks song "I'm not ready to make Nice" came on!!!
To those of you reading this it may all sound foolish to you but I believe that souls live on and I do believe we receive messages either via medium means or other from those who have passed on. While I have never sought to inquire with someone for this information, I do still find it incredibly interesting and wish a few folks in my life who have left me would reach out or send me a sign....Just so I know I am on the right path or have some sense of closure.
As for my mom, I think only time will heal open wounds and when I am ready to receive her I will. though knowing her it will be a "cold day in hell" (she used to say that all the time) before she reaches back out again. But when she does maybe then I will be ready.
Posted by Mom at 12:27 PM
Sunday, June 8, 2014
As I looked at the calendar for the upcoming week I said to myself could we have any more "stuff" to do??? Note to self don't ask that question because you will jinx yourself and more "Stuff" will be piled on. So the week looked like this:
Monday - The Usual School and Work-- followed by baseball practice.... Play practice.... and Dive practice....
Tuesday- School and Work-- followed by baseball practice.... Play practice ......and Dive practice
Wednesday- School and Work-- followed by swim practice.... Play practice ......and Dive practice
Thursday- School and Work-- followed by swim practice.... Play practice ......and Dive practice
Friday- School and Work-- followed by Swim practice.... Dive practice..... first showing of the Play @7pm!!!
Saturday- Swim time trials @ 7:30am ..... Play matinee drop off @10:30am ....Play @ 1pm.....Baseball Playoffs @ 3pm.......Final showing of the play @ 7pm..
Sunday- Fathers Day!! and I collapse
Did I happen to mention that my husband is out of town at his annual PhD retreat/class this week? So all of this is on my own solo. Hectic doesn't even come close to describing what this week is going to look like......
See you on the other side ............Hopefully!!!!!!
Posted by Mom at 9:46 AM
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
I am a lover of all things animal.....except when it comes to lizards, snakes and any sort of creepy bug.
I have heard several stories and seen many pictures on Facebook over the last few weeks about black snakes.
As a matter of fact just last night my husband and I had a conversation about them while sitting on our newly rearranged back deck.
So imagine my surprise when I walked out the door this morning to get the dogs to come back in the house and I see this ........ several feet away from me.
Of course my youngest who happened to be here with me was all about wanting to touch it and talked to it like it was a furry little puppy which made me want to gag even more.
I am happy to say Mr snake took off for the woods behind my house and while I know they are great for rodents I will take the mice over a snake ANY DAY!!
Posted by Mom at 4:39 PM
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Mothers day for the last 16 years has been filled with some sort of strife for me...
If it wasn't the colossal fight I had 16 years ago it was the fall out from it, or my own disappointment in my mothers day, or dealing with the grief of no longer having a mother.
I wrote a post 5 years ago called Why I hate Mothers Day Little did I know the following year would be my last mothers day with my mom. I don't regret the post it is how I felt and I don't believe anyone should regret or apologize for how they feel.
In the years since my mothers death I have learned to understand and in some respects forgive the relationship we had or didn't have. I have taken the words of encouragement and sympathy for my struggle over the years to heart. I have started to believe I was the best daughter I could have been, I stood by my mom even when many didn't and wouldn't. I was loyal and while some of that loyalty came from fear it taught me that your family regardless is what is most important.
This Mothers Day the pain is a bit less and I have learned to embrace my Mothers Day and my kids as well as my feelings towards my mother. So Happy Mothers day to all you Mommy bloggers and to all my Mommy Friends!
Posted by Mom at 5:16 PM
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Friday, May 2, 2014
I have a few friends who read my blog and often ask who I am writing about. The truth is there is not one
Posted by Mom at 6:25 AM
Sunday, April 27, 2014
I think we have started a tradition for our spring breaks.....
For the last 2 years we have taken a cruise and the kids absolutely love it and it is a relatively relaxing vacation for us. Here are some candid and not so candid pictures from our week of fun......
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Posted by Mom at 7:06 AM
Friday, April 25, 2014
What do you do when you world is shaken upside down and sideways like a snow globe?
How do you get back on track?
Most times we are able to shake it off
Dust ourselves off and move on
But what happens when you just cant shake the change?
When you try to forget
You try to move on
But it taunts you
it haunts you and
ultimately consumes you?
I don't have the answers but if you do please share.......
Posted by Mom at 5:54 PM
Monday, April 21, 2014
As a runner it is the Superbowl of running. I for one know I will never run in Boston, if I run a marathon at all. But there is something magical about the Boston Marathon and when that magic was shattered last year by 2 very radical and horrid people it struck a chord in runners and non runners alike.
My heart goes out to all those who were affected by the tragic events of last year, this event and its anniversary is not one I would wish on anyone. It is one of those events were I remember exactly where I was when I heard the news... (sitting in my office) then I remember trying to find out if those I knew running were safe. Then I like so many others were glued to the news reports and the subsequent death and capture of the perpetrators.
The intent of these men was to destroy the Boston Marathon, hurt as many people as possible and to break our American spirit. While they may have succeeded in the short term they have not prevailed in the long term. See they messed with the wrong group of people, runners are ridiculously mentally tough it is part of their DNA and the City of Boston, well it is tight knit and loyal to the core. Their actions while horrific only proved to us and the world that we are better together then we are apart and that together we can overcome anything that life’s throws our way.
Posted by Mom at 1:57 PM
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
I wish I knew why things happen the way they do....
Or why people act and react the way they do....
If I did.....
it would help me reconcile the actions of so many people in my life
Why is it, it is so easy to praise one minute and belittle the next?
I don't want to fight.....
I don't want to sling mud......
I want to live happy..... free of anger and venom
Those traits get you nothing but pain and heartache.....
I just want to be happy
I want to be carefree
I want to laugh at the ridiculous things
Make fun of the silly and absurd things
Vent about the things that anger or sadden me.....
Without fear of it being regurgitated spitefully when life gets heated
Is that really too much to ask?
Sure we all get a upset..... We all get angry.... We all make mistakes
But it's how we deal with those issues and treat people during those times that
determines if we stay or flee to higher and safer ground....
I want peace.....
Posted by Mom at 11:33 PM
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
No I am not talking about the type of wake up call you get to start your day when you are traveling. this wake up call was one of self reflection.... and in my opinion probably way over due.
Hard charging..... a simple 2 word phrase which has been used to describe me.
another 2 word phrase to describe me....Hard headed..... both are correct
To say I scared the crap out of them would be an understatement. I was lucky my kids knew just want to do and sprang into action calling my husband and getting 911 to the house to help.
I was taken by ambulance to a local hospital where I had no less than a bazillion tests run, needles stuck in me and x-rays taken and 20,000 questions asked.
The end result.... no reason for the collapse. My fluids were fine, my chest was fine, my blood work was ok... there was a sign of infection but not one of significance and no known cause.
Bottom line diagnosis...... exhaustion.....fatigue....stress..... and a possible unknown illness. Oh and lets not forget the goose egg to my head and massive concussion and crack from striking the granite counter top with great force of which I am still trying to recover from, apparently large trees such as myself fall hard!
I was told I would need to go through a battery of more tests to determine, if my heart was ok, if my sugars, were right,if I had had a seizure or if there was a mass in my head... the list goes on and on....
I was told to take a week off, rest regroup... relax..
None of these things I do well and it is not until I am pushed to the brink that I finally take heed. Physically I push myself to the limit, mentally I push myself to the limit, and emotionally I push myself to the limit. The difference is I usually only focus on one of those limit pushing activities at a time. This time life was a perfect storm and my body said enough already!
I have some health issues I am addressing instead of burying my head in the sand and being much more proactive in light of what has happened last month and in the last year. I've slowed down a bit and given myself a break, I won't say its easy and I won't tell you I am enjoying it. However, I don't ever want to see the fear that I saw in my older 2 kids eyes when they were wheeling me out of the house on a stretcher. Life's to short and I need to be there for all of them... my life revolves around them and their happiness and no job, or stress or emotional baggage, or physical achievement is worth risking being here for them.
So my wake call was heard and answered though I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to slam the phone down and get back to me.....
Posted by Mom at 12:16 PM
Saturday, April 5, 2014
I love Music....
I love to sing and dance (when I am alone)
I love to feel he beat of the music
I love to listen to the lyrics
I simply love music.
I sing like a mad woman in my car to and from work
I sing in the house when I know on one is there to catch me
I play songs over and over to feel the music to understand the lyrics and what they are meant to say
I'm into all kinds of music
My ipod on shuffle woudl give some folks whip lash
My kids love to sing with me, it is not unusal to see my car wizing by with at least one person in it singing.
We all love music!!
Posted by Mom at 12:55 AM
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Couldn't we all use 10% more happiness???
Recently while I had some down time I saw a segment by Dan Harris of ABC News on his new book 10% happier....
The segment did what it was intended to do in that it sold me on the idea I needed to read this book.
In the segments on the book there was reference to meditation. I for one was not one who you would ever find meditating. I can't slow down to go to the bathroom let alone sit and meditate. I am always telling myself there is something that needs to get done or something I need to think about or plan. So while I was interested in the book I was afraid I would tire of it if it was going to have my sitting crossed legged, burning incense and chanting.
The book was a quick read and I devoured it in 2 days... a record for me but then it did help that I had a lot of time on my hands :) (that's for another post)
I found I was able to so identify with Harris's inner voice that he spoke of that it was almost scary, however it was also intriguing. I was certainly at a point where I could use a little more happiness (can't we all?).
As I read the book I realized that I too had a voice in my head, and no I don't mean crazy voices, and it was occupying a little more time and space than she truly deserved. The nagging little voice causes me to over think, over strategize and be just plain over the top about stuff!!
Don't get me wrong if you have read other posts of mine, you know that I blame a lot of my drive on the fact that I was always trying to please. I still believe that to be true but I also now believe that the inner voice in my head, lets call her Wanda, likes to take my pleasing desire and kick it p to another level.
Why on earth would I fret over what was said in a meeting and how I should interrupt it, or worry that if I make a mistake I will be fired or here's a good one, what my house looks like when the cleaning people come? Why???? because Wanda was there helping me to go through every possible scenario and some that were far fetched in an effort to be in control and plan out my next move. It was causing me to be a bit frantic and ridged abut even the little stuff. No Bueno!!!!!
Wanda has clearly been working overtime in my life for quite sometime and it was time to shut her down or at least tame her a bit.
So I continued to read the book, I learned about meditation and I let Harris take me on his journey, letting
What I found is that I was willing to try this medication thing, to allow me time to kick Wanda out for a bit and just let things be still.
I started with 5 mins, I should say I struggled through 5 minutes. Then I worked my way to 8 then to 10 and then to 12 and now I sit at 15 min. 15 min may not seem like a lot and I certainly didn't think it was until I had to sit still and only focus on my breath and then actually refocus when my mind started to wander back to life or Wanda and her craziness.
What I found though as I did this each day is that it calmed me down a bit, it allowed me to stop and be in the moment and be mindful of what I was doing instead of going through the motions in an effort to get to the next task.
I, like Harris, will tell you it is not a cure all and I still do a will struggle with my need to please and my friend Wanda who sends that over the top, but I am more aware of the need to be still and be in the moment and that is something that has not been there in a really long time.
Posted by Mom at 5:26 PM
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Your arrival was one of the greatest moments of my life... your arrival meant I was a mother, it was then and there I understood unconditional love... the type of love that would make me lay my life down for yours in the blink of an eye.
You have taught me so much over the years, your zest for life and your quirkiness bring a smile to my face each day. Your determination to conquer your short comings inspires me. Your huge heart and kindness towards people melts my heart.
I have been so very blessed to call you daughter and I look forward to all the years to come as you grow and blossom into a young woman. I pray that I am able to be there every step of the way and that your zest, persistence and big heart guide you to great things!
I love you my sweet girl,
Posted by Mom at 9:34 AM